Overcoming Fear

Anyone who knows me even remotely well would be shocked to know that now, 2 ½ weeks after the proposal, is the first time it has occurred to me to be afraid.  I’ve been so busy being excited, looking at bridesmaid dresses, admiring my ring, wondering who I’ll select as my maid of honor – that the reality of it really hadn’t sunk in.

My sister, Sara, had put this video/slideshow thing together for an assignment, and I was watching it last night.  I had watched it before but somehow it was different this time.  There was something absurd about it all, and I really couldn’t pinpoint what it was until I watched the last video clip in the sequence. 




Then I realized why it was all so bizarre.  I remembered that clip.  It wasn’t just that the video was familiar either.  I remembered filming it.  I remember learning those songs off of a computer program – maybe Jump Start Preschool?  And I remember having my dad record Sara and I singing them together.  And that’s really eerie to remember.  I remember being four years old vividly.  I can even remember some of the thoughts I had at that age, on specific occasions – maybe that’s just a girl thing, I don’t know.  I remember standing on a stool to reach the bathroom sink and just barely being able to see my chubby face in the mirror.  Now I look in the mirror and it’s like I’m not even that same person anymore.

It feels like I’ve just been thrown into this new surreal life, right in the middle of everything.  For some reason, it doesn’t feel like I’ve been here all along.  That probably doesn’t make sense.
I first recall starting to feel this way the moment Nathan proposed.  He was staring at me with this ring in his hand, and I honestly didn’t know what to do.  All of a sudden, everything had changed.  It was as though God had plucked me from all of my familiar surroundings and dropped me in this foreign setting where a man who adored me was asking to be with me forever. 

Everything had changed.  My relationship with Nathan was forever changed somehow.  Everything is different and I’m not sure how or why, but it is.  It’s not necessarily a good different or a bad different, but it is worth noting that it is very much not the same.  Now, for whatever reason, it’s acceptable to publicly discuss what we might name future children or when to visit out-of-state relatives.  My family seems more accepting of his being around “since he’s going to be family, after all.”  My to-do list has grown a mile-and-a-half long, and out of nowhere, I have no spending money.  And it’s odd.  I always assumed that I would have to ditch my spendthrift habits when I got married, but I forgot that you have to save money before that too or you can’t afford to get married in the first place!  So, from this point on, I will likely not ever have money again until Nathan and I can retire!

So, yes, I’m scared out of my mind.  I don’t know where the years have gone (although I can account for several of them), and I’ve always relied on some amount of consistency to stay sane and…well…everything kind of changed at once, which means I can’t come up with much that has stayed consistent.  I’ve been subconsciously freaking out about this to the point that when I tried to describe this concept to a friend of mine, it came across that I was basically doubting the entire Plan God had for me – like maybe I thought I was just making stuff up, or missing His messages, or not doing it good enough – and it was overwhelming.

But yes, I’m attributing all that Spiritual confusion to the overall confusion my everything has gone through since this proposal.

I don’t want this to come across like I regret accepting the proposal.  This is something he and I have both been praying about for a really long time, and I can list a number of logical reasons why he should be my husband and the father of my future children.  So that there is no misunderstanding, I am blessed to be able to spend the rest of my life with Nathan.

So…what now?

Well, I’m focusing on becoming Mrs. Right.  And because I hate change so very much, that’s going to be a lot harder for me than I anticipated when I started this blog.  So, I’m going to start it slow.

Step 1: Overcoming Fear

The Bible tells us “Be not afraid,” and that’s actually one of the things I’m worst at.  I’m a “worry wart” – ask anyone.  But when we trust in the Lord, there is no reason to fear.  If the Good Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

And that’s what I’m working on.  By rooting myself more firmly in my Faith, I’m hoping God will pull me through this haze and prepare Nathan and me for a life that will glorify Him.

Stay tuned.