Well, Nathan left Sunday night for Nashville again. Monday he started at the Opryland Hotel. And I guess I didn't expect myself to lose it like that either. A moment of devastation, but... I pulled myself together. I always do.
And you know, I'm used to going a week -- sometimes two without seeing him. So even if he were still working at Kroger, I still wouldn't be seeing him right now. But somehow it's different I guess?
It's different because slowly, minute by minute, the reality of it all is starting to sink in. He's a full-time student. And a full-time line cook. And he is not going to get weekends off. And if he ever does get a day off of work and school at the same time, chances are I'm going to have work, or school, or both. And if ever the possibility arises that we're both free at the same time, we're going to be watching each other do homework. Except not really, because we'll both be doing homework. So we'll do our homework in the same room with little to no interaction, and that presence is going to have to be good enough.
And don't get me wrong, I would love to have a day for us to do homework together because he would be here again.
But....it's going to be a while...
For the past couple of days, he's called me and I can hear this overwhelming joy in his voice. He's finally found a job that he loves. He loves that job. I want him to have a job he loves. I do.
I've been warned before that in long-distance relationships, engagements even, it's easy for Doubt to slip his way into your mind, ruining the wonderful and authentic love that God has blessed us with.
God tells us that Love is always patient and kind. It's never jealous. It isn't boastful or conceited. It is never rude and it never seeks its own advantage. Love doesn't rejoice in wrongdoing. It finds joy in truth. LOVE IS ALWAYS READY TO MAKE ALLOWANCES, TO TRUST, TO HOPE, AND TO ENDURE WHATEVER COMES.
Love comes from God. Doubt does not.
When Nathan told me he was being offered this job, and I told him to take it, this is the Love I spoke with: the Love that wanted what was best for him and his future, the Love that wanted to make him happy even if it meant I would see much less of him, the Love that knew God would get us through anything.
But, I tell you, that Love isn't easy. He calls me and we'll talk about how the new job is going. He loves it so much and loves sharing with me all the wonderful aspects of it. And I want to be that supportive fiance who is happy because he is happy, and that's enough. But I have all these weird feelings inside of me when he talks about work and school.
And it's because he's so happy.
I don't know if part of me wanted him to have some amount of regret for taking this job -- or why I would feel that way, but him being happy about it didn't make me happy. And I don't really know why. I wanted there to be at least one thing he didn't like about this job -- and I feel terrible that I wanted that. But he really does love this job.
He told me he didn't ever want to leave -- and even though I knew what he meant by that -- I think I died a little bit inside.
I feel selfish, and jealous, and a little lost by at all. I keep thinking, What now? What now, God? Where am I supposed to go from here?
And I recognize this feeling. I've felt like this before, oddly enough. It does have to do with a long-distance relationship. It's a long-distance relationship with God. Whenever my prayer life has been put on the back burner, my whole world falls apart. Every time. Without fail.
I kept telling myself that I was too busy with school and work and everything else. I loved that Our God was so understanding of what all I was going through.
And this is where I have to stop myself because ANY time I think "God will understand" it usually means I'm doing something Wrong. And sure enough, I've neglected my prayer life.
So, it's time to get back on the right track. I need God to restore that genuine Love, the ability for me to put Nathan before myself. I need to pray for Nathan because I know this long-distance relationship will take a toll on him also. But most importantly, I need to re-build my foundation with God again. He and I have some catching up to do.
Keep us in your prayers as well!
